TheBoySaunders.com

My builder randomly tried to recruit me for the Freemasons the other day. Short of poking my eyes out with blunk cocktail sausages, I can’t think of many things I’d less rather do, but still… It’s nice to be asked.

The recruitment spiel was moderately impressive, though - apparently ‘every’ US president (although the jury’s out on Obama) has been a Mason, along with ‘every’ male member of the Royal Family. My builder, apparently, has the photos to prove this last assertion.

Sounds fishy to me… I’ll investigate…

File this one under ‘things I’ve known for years, but didn’t really appreciate’:

My paternal Grandfather’s mother died in childbirth, upon which time he was adopted by a relative with the surname ‘Saunders’. My Grandfather’s original surname? Dennis. Therefore my surname is only two generations old, and my biological relatives were ‘Dennis” going back through generations.

It’s probably for the best, ‘TheBoyDennis.com’ sounds like I should have a web cam and a gay lover. 

Other ‘things I’ve known for years, but didn’t really appreciate’? Giraffes have weird bluey/black tongues:

I far preferred it when food products weren’t forced to display the volumes of unhealthy ingredients on their packaging. Ignorance being bliss, and all, I didn’t know before fairly recently that my standard lunch (four white rolls with tuna mayonnaise sandwich filler) constitutes the majority of my Recommended Daily Allowance of salt. Each individual plain roll, for example, contains 15% of my salt RDA, and this is before the addition of margarine and filler.

As such, just in one weekday lunchtime meal (’snack’ is more approriate), I consume well over 50% of my recommended salt intake. Excess salt consumption can lead to (and yeah, I copied and pasted from Wikipedia):

exercise-induced asthma.^.

heartburn.

osteoporosis: One report shows that a high salt diet does reduce bone density in girls. Yet “While high salt intakes have been associated with detrimental effects on bone health, there are insufficient data to draw firm conclusions.”

Gastric cancer (Stomach cancer) is associated with high levels of sodium, “but the evidence does not generally relate to foods typically consumed in the UK.” However, in Japan, salt consumption is higher.

hypertension (high blood pressure): “Since 1994, the evidence of an association between dietary salt intakes and blood pressure has increased. The data have been consistent in various study populations and across the age range in adults.” A large scale study from 2007 has shown that people with high-normal blood pressure who significantly reduced the amount of salt in their diet decreased their chances of developing cardiovascular disease by 25% over the following 10 to 15 years. Their risk of dying from cardiovascular disease decreased by 20%.

left ventricular hypertrophy (cardiac enlargement): “Evidence suggests that high salt intake causes left ventricular hypertrophy, a strong risk factor for cardiovascular disease, independently of blood pressure effects.” “…there is accumulating evidence that high salt intake predicts left ventricular hypertrophy.” Excessive salt (sodium) intake, combined with an inadequate intake of water, can cause hypernatremia. It can exacerbate renal disease.

edema (BE: oedema): A decrease in salt intake has been suggested to treat edema (fluid retention).

duodenal ulcers and gastric ulcers

Death. Ingestion of large amounts of salt in a short time (about 1 g per kg of body weight) can be fatal. Salt solutions have been used in China as a traditional suicide method, and deaths have also resulted from attempted use of salt solutions as emetics, forced salt intake, and accidental confusion of salt with sugar in child food.

So, judging by the amount of cheese I eat for dinner, I’ll be dead within the year. I was so much happier not knowing the crap I was eating. Why did you have to ruin it, Scientific Advisory Committee on Nutrition, WHY?

Occasional Hotness News in Briefs -

Busty Adriana, 27, is outraged that African rascals are stealing money from English bank accounts. “These people must be bought to justice”, she thundered.

Previous visitors to this site may well be aware of my foray into Nigerian Scammer Baiting, which led to all sorts of dinosaur related hilarity.

Well… the scammers have got their revenge. When I last logged onto my online Lloyds TSB bank account the latest entry was this:

Some grubby little oik in Ghana had withdrawn 100 Cedi’s from my account. Quite how they got my account information remains unclear - I can only assume it was from some random takeaway or restaurant I had given my details to. The money lost only added up to a little over £50, but still: no laughing matter.

Anyway, I phoned up my bank and they confirmed there had been fraudulent activity, cancelled my card and refunded the money to my account. No biggie. What I did find interesting, however, was the statistics given to me by the lady at the bank I spoke to.

She said that she would get, on average, 6 calls a day from people who had experienced almost the exact same circumstances. As there were 1,000 people working in the call centre, this makes the sums of money involved phenomenal - a rough estimate of £109,500,000 (based on an average fraudulent transaction of £50 (apparently sums greater than that are usually picked up by the bank’s fraud prevention measures) and the call centre being open 365 days a year).

The lady I spoke to confirmed my suspicions that they would probably not even pursue whoever had randomly gotten hold of my card details, as the expenditure required would far outweigh any potential recompense the bank may receive. As it stands, the bank just has to refund any money stolen and simply take the loss on the chin.

Of course, Lloyds TSB’s pre-tax profit in 2007 was £4 billion, so I don’t feel overly sorry for them.

It was with great interest that I read of the impending visit of some of Mexico’s biggest Lucha Libre stars to these shores. My thought process went thusly:

a) I’d love to go to that.

Then, several minutes later:

b) I live in London. I could go to that.

And so, reluctant girlfriend in tow, I did. And the experience was middling at best.

First the positives: the atmosphere was top-notch, the MC endlessly amusing and I got to see such Lucha Libre (literally ‘free wrestling’) luminaries as Blue Demon Jr., El Hijo Del Santo, Silver King and Mascarita Sagrada. The negatives? Perhaps my expectations were too high, but the wrestlers didn’t seem overly motivated. I was expecting them to be flying around the ring in a style reminiscent of WCW’s luchadors of the mid-1990’s, but the match-ups were very slow and deliberate (with the exception of the third fall of the third match, which had all sorts of flippy-floppy fun). It was also a bit sad that, amongst all the marquis names, the only really accomplished looking wrestler was the exotico (transvestite - a great Lucha Libre tradition) luchador Cassandro. As this was the fourth show in two days there is, perhaps, some excuse. But with a 2/3rds full venue, perhaps a performance could have been dropped to preserve the integrity of each card. Oh, and another gripe - the bikini clad ring-girl should have been (to put in kindly) kept as far away from a swimsuit as possible. I’m 10% gayer just for having my eyeballs subjected to her.

I’ve read articles by people in the past who have said they just don’t get Lucha Libre, and I can understand that. The incongrous mid-match pantomime-esque comedy, the random blasting out of Mariachi music and the highly ritualistic nature of Lucha Libre does not make it as accessible for your average WWE-weaned fan, as, say Jonny Storm vs. Robbie Dynamite at Croydon Fairfield Halls (a damn good little match, I may just add). The fact that all but one of the Luchadors competed under masks hindered rather than helped proceedings, in my opinion, as the lack of facial expressions did not allow the luchadors to convey their personality.  

Fósforo Número Uno - Mascarita Sagrada & Octagoncito vs. Pentagoncito Black & Bracito Da Plata

Lukewarm mini’s match played mostly for comedy. The Rudos (bad guys) eventually won the third fall with a DQ after Bracito Da Plata (I think) persuaded the referee that Octagoncito had pulled his mask off (grounds for an automatic disqualification in Lucha Libre). I was looking forward to seeing Mascarita Sagrada in particular (who has been lauded as one of the best wrestlers in the world, regardless of size) but we didn’t see much of him.

Fósforo Número Dos - Solar vs. Negro Navarro

Tedious ‘technical’ match, presumably designed to show off the submissions and reversals that characterises Lucha Libre. After ten minutes of rolling round on the mat, this ended in a lame double-pin.

Fósforo Número Tres - Silver King & Cien Caras Jr. vs. Huracan Ramirez & Incognito

A nothing match before the intermission. Silver King had starred in Nacho Libre alongside Jack Black, and was also a WCW alumnus, so I was expecting big things from him. Unfortunately, the match appeared to be curtailed by an injury to one of the Rudos (I think, Ramirez) and there was an abrupt ending and lots of confusing shouting in Spanish where they appeared to be booking a singles match between Silver King and the surviving Rudo to compensate. Eventually, they all just walked to the back after a brief pull-apart brawl. This may have been a genuine injury, or a storyline to set up one of the Sunday shows. Whatever, the whole affair seemed awkward.

Fósforo Número Cuatro - Magno & El Hijo Del Solitario vs. Black Fish & Cassandro

The technicos (good guys) took this bout, in the best match on the card. The antics of Cassandro made this, with his (her?) camp version of the Undertaker’s Old School ropewalk being a particular highlight. The third and final fall was a blur of high-flying moves and suicide dives - this was what I was expecting from Lucha. Unfortunately, it was squeezed into a five minute segment of a three hour show.

Fósforo Número Cinco - Blue Demon Jr. vs. El Hijo Del Santo

El Hijo Del Santo (literally ‘The Son of the Saint’) is a mega-star in Mexico - his late father, El Santo, was even more popular and his son has carried on the tradition. Blue Demon Jr., who’s career has not reached the heights of his own father (predictably known as ‘Blue Demon’) has also forged a decent reputation for himself so, again, I was expecting big things from this match. I was disappointed, as a lacklustre five minute match ended abruptly. I think there were timing issues, as the scary looking boss lady who had been patrolling the outside of the ring had been tapping her watch impatiently, as the 10:45 curfew approached.

So, a mixed evening, and very disappointing considering the rave reviews other performances had received. However, the three hours flew past, and I was delighted to have seen some legends of Mexican wrestling, even if they did appear to be performing at half-speed.

I was watching some low-rent Discovery Channel documentary on the ‘Elephant Man’ Joseph Merrick last night. The alternative was an argument about a blind man washing his genitalia in a mug on Big Brother, so I thought it was probably the best choice.

Anyway… Joseph Merrick looked like this:

Which was rotten luck. To add insult to injury, in a fit of historical cruelty, the programme makers decided to digitally remove his deformities and, based on the phsyical features of his living relatives, re-create his face as he would have looked:

Remind you of anyone?!

‘Uglier than the Elephant Man’. Great. If anyone wants me, I’ll be selling my bones to Michael Jackson.

Ever since the enduring success of this post, several months back, it has become increasingly obvious that the public have no interest in my musings on tigers, Jack the Ripper, wrestling, junk mail or Warcraft. No, the public want Billywitches and nothing else. And who am I to deny them?

As such, this site has been re-launched and will now focus on Billywitches and Billywitches alone. There will be Billywitch pictures, Billywitch studies and even some raunchy Billywitch fan fiction. Indeed, with your help, I intend to turn BillywitchFanciers.com into the premier Billywitch resource for not just the UK-wide web, not just the Europe-wide web but the entire World Wide Web of information!

As such, and without further ado… let the FAQ commence!

Q) What is a Billywitch?
A) ‘Billywitch’ is a term used indiscriminately in Essex and Suffolk for flying stag beetles, Common (or May) Chafers, Summer (or June) Chafers and the Rose Chafer. Maybugs and Cockchafers, suggested as candidates by some contributors to this site, are alternative names for the Common Chafer or Melolontha melolontha.

Q) Where do Billywitches live?
A) Billywitches can be found throughout Europe, although due to their sensitivity to pesticides their numbers had been in steady decline. However, this trend has seemed to reverse in recent years - it has been speculated that this is due to climate change and an increase in the availability of the warm, dry soil that the insects thrive in. Contrary to assertions previously made on this website, their habitat is not focused solely on a single tree in Ipswich.

Q) What effect have Billywitches had on Culture and History throughout the years?
A) A profound one. There is some evidence that Billywitches were worshipped as Gods throughout pre-historic Britain, and the following traditional German song dates back to the Thirty Years War:

Cockchafer fly…
Your Father is at war
Your Mother is in Pomerania
Pomerania is all aflame
Cockchafer fly!

From this, we can see that Billywitches were renowned as harbingers of war, as well as being sneaky arsonists.

Q) Could I eat a Billywitch?
A) Yes! Billywitches have a strong but fragrant taste, and are best enjoyed on a warm summer’s day with a glass of dandelion and burdock.

Q) Would a Billywitch make a good pet?
A) With a life cycle of only 5-7 weeks, Billywitches are recommended by the British Society of Household Pets as an ideal first pet for children under the age of ten. They also provide an excellent opportunity to teach your young ones about coping with loss, and the fragility of life.

Q) I have heard that Billywitches are prone to flying into your hair and getting stuck! Is this true?
A) This is, by far, the most popular Billywitch question I have encountered and the answer is: Yes… and no.

Although Billywitches are known for their love of well looked after bouffants, there are no verifiable historical records of them actually becoming stuck in a person’s hair. The enduring popularity of this urban myth, however, has led to extensive research by the eminent Suffolk scientist and Billywitch afficionado Professor Henrik van Kamp. His research paper ‘Melolontha melolontha: A Study of their Lives and Loves’, labelled a ‘twenty year labour of love’ by insiders, has been causing great excitement within the Billywitch community. Indeed, rumours suggest that Professor van Kamp actually spent an entire year with his head shoved up amidst the branches of the famous Billywitch tree on Rushmere Heath in order to definitively provide an answer to this, the most enduring of Billywitch mysteries. With a speculative release date of March 2009, the Professor’s paper could well be the Holy Grail of Billywitch research.

Q) When swatting Billywitches out of the air with big-ass sticks, why do they make such a satisfying ‘thwack’ noise?
A) I don’t know. But it makes me feel alive. 

If anybody has any further questions about Billywitches that they feel this FAQ does not address, please do not hesitate to contact me via the usual methods!

I am no longer interested in writing articles purely for the sake of it. After two years - TWO YEARS - of blood, sweat and tears I want to get something out of it. I want interest, I want ratings… I want to give the people what they so obviously want.

TheBoySaunders.com is dead.

Check back soon for the world’s most exciting site re-lauch.

I awoke to find myself in the titular fiendish trap. Tigers all around, staked into the earth, the leashes just too short to reach me. Their snapping jaws were straining, tongues lolling out of their mouths, as every sinew in their massive bodies ached to make a meal of my supple, beautiful flesh.

I had always planned to die in a snorkelling accident. This was an unexpected, and unwelcome, development.

Springing into action, I decided, was the best way forward. Get the adrenaline pumping and act on instinct. The tigers were looking weary in the midday sun and I wondered how long I had been asleep whilst they drove themselves into a frenzy trying to reach me. To add to my woes, the tip of my nose was sunburned.

Now was the time, no point in thinking too long. One shot, or a tasty meal for a tiger. I exploded into the air from my previously seated position, somersaulted twice and landed on the back of one of the beasts. It seemed shocked, but, even so, it twisted it’s neck to snap it’s jaws at me. I felt it lurch triumphantly under my feet and realised, belatedly, that I had delayed too long.

Even as I was leaping away, I saw the flash of scarlet from where the tiger’s teeth had sunk into my arm, more a stump now. I could still see two of my fingers protuding from it’s mouth, twitching, waving goodbye.

No time for pain. I shimmied to the left and two of the massive felines, unable to alter their trajectories in time, crashed into each other. Dodged to the right and missed another by a literal whisker. The next few seconds passed in slow motion before suddenly, miraculously, I was free and running, with a whoop on my lips and a song in my heart!

Arriving safely home, I reflected on my busy day. Making a cup of tea was harder with only one arm, but, on the plus-side, my house was tiger-free and Bargain Hunt was on the telly.